On New Year's Resolutions

You all know how glad I am that 2011 is coming to a close.  Stupid 2011.  But last night, I was pondering the concept of NY Resolutions. 

I think they're a fabulous idea.  In practice though, rarely pan out.  So what's the point?  It goes back to Yoda.  Do or do not.  There is no try.  If you're going to do something, it has to be more important to you than just some random thing you decided on in a drunken stupor on NYE.  It has to be something that means something to you.

Like my weight loss.  I have been fat my whole life.  I never remember not being at least somewhat overweight.  It was just part of who I was.  No big deal.  And then I became an adult, and all physical activity stopped.  So instead of being somewhat overweight, I was on the edge of being my own Discovery Channel special.  (Discovery Channel fat kid.)  I tried to lose weight multiple times, but it was always for someone else.  My parents, my husband, my theoretical unborn child.  It wasn't until I sat in that doctor's office with the threat of medication that actually makes you gain weight as a side effect that I realized I HAD to do something.  If I gained any more weight, I would die.  Not "omg lol I'm gonna die!"  But honest to goodness, my heart would give out because I'm so fat, going to die.  Disassemble.  Dead. 

Now, I don't think everyone needs threat of death as motivation for a NY resolution.  But if you're not going to actually stick with it, save us all the annoyance of hearing about it for two weeks and just accept that you don't need to make one.  If you're hell-bent on sticking with it (whatever it is) and you are for real going to make some changes, more power to you.  I support you in your endeavors, and sincerely hope you reach your goal.

My resolution?  I don't actually have one.  I would like to lose at least 60 pounds to match the 60 I already lost.  But I'm not calling it a 'resolution.'  I'm calling it...well, life.  I am not on a diet, I'm not doing this just for a while.  I've changed the way I live, eat, and act.  So this is just a continuation of that.

And in case I haven't said it before, 2011 can bite me, and I'm glad to see it leave.

Holy crap on a cracker!

So, y'all know that I've lost 60 pounds.  And I've posted some timeline pics on my Now and Then tab as well.  But dude.  I posted my Christmas 2011 pics on facebook.  When I post Christmas pics, I tend to go back and look at last year's pics.  Just because it's fun.  DUDE. 

I don't always see my weight loss because, you know, I see myself every day.  But I can definitely see it here.  Woot. :)

2011 can just go away now!

I know that's all pessimistic and what not, but that's ok.  It's my blog, and I'll whine if I want to. :D

2011 has not been my best year.  I'm sure some good things happened along the way, but frankly, that's not what I will think of when I think about 2011.  In 2011, our plans to move out of Alaska fell through.  We found out we're still dealing with some legal issues from an accident in 2010.  I had a m/c.  Those are the big ones I can think of off the top of my head.  I am just done with this year. 

My sister has a somewhat different view than me on the new year.  She says "I mean, yes, it's the start of a new year. A blank slate.  Wait. What? It is NOT.  Anyone who has ever been drunk on New Year's Eve knows that New Year's Day is just the day after New Year's Eve. Even though it's a new year, we still have to pay the consequences of our actions the day before."

While I agree with aspects of that, I do believe that 2012 is going to be a blank slate for us.  It has to be.  Sure, we'll still be dealing with the fact that we still live in Alaska, we'll still have these stupid legal issues, and I will still have had a m/c.  But 2011 will be over, and 2012 still has all the hope and potential to be the year that I get (and stay!) pregnant, the year these legal issues go away.  I doubt we'll move out of Alaska in 2012, but we can sure start the process of saving and planning properly so we can move in the next few years. 

While I sincerely hope everyone has had a better year than we had, I am ready for 2011 to be over and done with.  Bring on 2012!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Christmas is huge in my family.  We are big holiday people.  That's why I've been so bummed about my lack of Christmas spirit this year.  Yesterday was a pretty good day.  I woke up too late to have time to go to the gym (excuses, I know) but the hubby and I went over to Sister's house and played Skyrim with my nephews.  I attempted to make a pumpkin spice cake, but I was not paying attention and it fell of the table.  Broke my favorite Pyrex pan, too! Sad face!  Anyway, after that, we went to my mom's house to set up for her big shindig they host every year.  This year was a lot of fun!  There weren't as many people, so it was easier to mingle around and such.  (Not that having a lot of people is a bad thing!)  There was ham, fruit salad buffet, cheese and crackers, and more desserts than you can imagine. 

Emotionally though, yesterday was kinda hard.  I participate in a message board for women TTC after a Loss.  The link is over in my favorites over there -->.  There were just so many women who had gotten pregnant, but had to come back to the board b/c they, yet again, lost the baby.  Plus all the women that have had to deal with a loss, then compounded with infertility.  It is just so unfair!  Why do women who want nothing more than a baby to love and cherish get crapped on by the universe when random crackheads and 14 year old girls can get pregnant and have healthy pregnancies and babies, and leave their baby in a dumpster somewhere?  I wasn't even upset for me and our loss, I was more mad for them and theirs.  Then I found out that a cousin announced their pregnancy over the holiday festivities.  THEN I got sad for me. LOL 

Sorry, rant over.  Once the hubby and I got home from Mom and Daddy's, we opened one present from each other.  Hubby opened his new Bible, and I opened my anatomical heart necklace.  LOVE!!!  When I put it on, I realized that if I had gotten this a year ago when I asked for it, it would not have fit around my neck.  It's kind of a choker on me now, so there's no way it would have fit 60 pounds ago.  Woot.

This morning, we woke up at 5:00 to open presents.  My alarm goes off at 5:00 every day anyway, so I was very thankful that the hubby let me sleep.  Usually he's waking me up around 3:00 on Christmas day.  No, I'm not kidding.  The man wins at Christmas, I'm telling you.  This year, in addition to my necklace, I got a Dalek alarm clock, wind up Dalek, and a desktop Dalek!  Daleks are the bad guys from Doctor Who.  I also got all three season of The Big Bang Theory on DVD, Green Lantern on BluRay, and the entire Star Wars saga on BluRay!  Yeah, I'm a bit of a nerd.  But srsly, Best. Christmas. Ever. 

I got hubby a work out thing with the resistance bands that hooks onto a door frame, the extended edition Lord of the Rings trilogy on BluRay, Fanboys, Spaceballs, and Rocky Balboa on BluRay, Your Shape and Just Dance 3 for Kinect, and a membership to our local shooting range.  This membership gets us access after hours too, which is kind of a win.  We don't like dealing with people when we shoot.

So, now that you've made it through this book I've written, let me leave you with this:

Uh-oh, she's getting all philisophical and stuff!

Guess who rolled her lazy butt outta bed and hit the gym this morning! That's right, this girl!  Well, it was really at hubby's insistence, but still.  I did it, and I feel so much better for it!

While I was laying in the tanning bed, I got to thinking.  (What, isn't that where you do all your best thinking?)  Anyway, I have been married for a bit over 8 years.  I was going back over the last 8 years, and realized just how naive I really was then.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I made a mistake marrying the hubby or anything silly like that.  Just when you're 19, you expect your life to be glitter farts and rainbows and perfect and fabulous and nothing bad can ever happen.  Pshaw.  I mean, I knew that life and marriage are both something hard that you have to work at.  But I didn't *know* that.  Granted, the only real struggle we've had is infertility and miscarriage.  But let me tell you, those can take a toll. 

That being said, overall, I am blissfully ridiculously happy with my life.  Sure, there are small things I'd like to change.  My weight being the big one, which, hello!  Look at me go!  I have considered going back to school at some point, but I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so I'm not spending the money on it right now.  I'd like to live in a house that's not connected to anybody else's house.  (Apartments suck.  Just FYI.)  But these are all things that we have the power to change.  It may take some time, but we have the power to change them. 

I guess there's no real point in this particular blog post, I just wanted to share my tanning bed thoughts. :)

What's this? There's magic in the air...

First off, bonus points to those that can name that movie!

Moving right along!  What has two thumbs and is down another pound (possibly two - I'll explain in a sec) despite eating like total crap the last two weeks?  This girl!  Jumped on the scale yesterday, and it said 260.  I liked that number so much, I jumped on it immediately again, and sure enough, there it was again!  So this morning I jumped on, and it said 261.  Still prettier than 262!  I'm going to log the 261, but hold off on the 260 till I see it more than once.  Woot.

So remember how I was lamenting my lack of Christmas spirit?  I found some!  Yay!!  Not nearly as much as I usually have - apparently my sister has hijacked all my usual Christmas spirit - but I do have some.  I'm relishing in wearing my awesome Spock Santa hat (why yes, it does have Spock ears!) and wrapping bazillions of presents.  I can't wait to see everybody open what we got them!

And for my favorite little Christmas miracle of the year, my niece is coming home this week!  Backstory:  My sister in law gave birth to Little Miss on November 8.  Her due date was December 19.  That's six weeks early!  So Little Miss has been hanging out in the NICU since with some breathing issues, and general normal preemie stuff.  But, they're going through all the final classes/trainings on how to care for a preemie, and looks like she'll be making her grand exit towards home either today or tomorrow!  Thanks to everyone who sent thoughts and prayers their way.  I know they really appreciate it.  And I cannot wait to get my hands on that baby! :D

Hi honey, I'm home!

I'm back at the house now.  Getting from STL to SEA was no issue.  Was about 7,000 degrees on the plane, but overall, no big deal.  Then we landed, and I turned my phone back on...and saw the email that our flight from SEA to ANC was cancelled.  Um, huh??  We got put on a flight 2 hours later.  Overall, not a huge deal.  Could have been MUCH worse.  So we hung out in SEA for a while, then got on our plane.  That's when things got exciting.  My nephew commented on the way down to STL a couple weeks ago how amusing it was for him that I could sleep through all the turbulance we experienced.  Yeah, on the way from SEA to ANC, turbulance woke me up.  Twice.  We were bouncing all over the sky.  Then we went to land.  In a high wind advisory.  They only issue those if winds will be gusting over 80 mph.  Super exciting, I tell you.  But the pilot was awesome, and wins at his job, and we landed with no incident.  It felt so good to sleep in my own bed, cuddled up with my husband!

This morning I put on my Cardinals shirt that I bought down south. Now, back in March when I realized just how horrifically fat I really was, I refused to put on a 3XL shirt b/c it was touching me and when I sat down, the seams cried out for mercy as they stretched over my giant spare tire.  I was much more comfortable in a 4XL, and would prefer a 5XL if at all possible so it wouldn't touch me.  This shirt I'm wearing is a 2XL.  That's right.  That's a 2 before that XL!  Now I did have to stretch it just a bit, but I am perfectly comfortable wearing this shirt out in public.  Yay me!! 

I did weigh a couple times while I was down south.  Once fully clothes, with shoes, and once fully clothed without.  Before my shower on the morning before I left for vacation, my home scale said 262.  Fully clothed without shoes, after breakfast on the morning I left down south, my aunt's scale said 264.  YES!  This morning I weighed before my shower (after breakfast, and still swollen from the plane ride) and it said 263.  So I'm leaning towards I may not have gained any weight on my trip!!  If I did, it's only a pound or two, and frankly, I'm ok with that.  I ate a lot and most of it was junk.  So if I only gained a pound or two, I'll gladly take it!

This evening is our church's Christmas play.  (No, I won't wear the Cardinals shirt to church...as proud as I am of what size it is!)  Bless my nephews' hearts, after such an eventful day yesterday, they're front and center in the play.  I'm sure they'll rock it because, well, they're hardcore awesome.  But still.  I know I'm exhausted, so I'm sure they are too!

Has anybody seen my willpower?

So yeah.  Remember how I said I was going to behave and eat at home more while on vacation, and blah, blah, blah?  I fail. 

I can absolutely tell a difference since I have been on vacation.  I'm eating more fast food.  Well, more food in general, actually.  My clothes are still fitting, but I feel just...blah.  I kinda feel like a giant grease ball.  Actually what worries me is I'm getting over the giant grease ball feeling.  That means my body is getting used to the crappy foods again.  Oops.  I have gotten in a few workouts though.  Not as many as I'd planned, but some.  I've done Turbo Jam twice, the stretch workout from P90X once, and I went to a martial arts class with my cousin.  I was only able to do the warm up stuff with them becaues they were working on a specific demo for a show coming up, but DUDE.  I definitely got a workout.  I'm still sore!  In other news, I discovered I do, in fact, have obliques, and they are mad at me now. 

As much as I love my family, and love seeing my friends, I'm ready to be back at my own house with my husband.  I miss him hardcore.  I'm done vacationing without him! 

In other news, my Christmas spirit is missing, too.  As much as I hate that everything in my life goes back to that stupid miscarriage, it kind of does.  Usually, the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas comes out.  This year I was still angry and bitter and didn't feel like messing with anything.  Then I left on vacation, and Christmas is like tomorrow or something.  It kind of snuck up on me this year.  I'm hoping that Christmas spirit kicks me in the face when I get back to Alaska.  It's usually my favorite time of year, and I kind of feel cheated!

Yes, I'm still here!

I know it's been a few days.  I had a fabulous weekend.  Lots and lots of family time.  Saturday, we had our big family Christmas breakfast, and opened presents.  The kids had a great time, and they all seemed really excited about their gifts.  Saturday night, we got together with my daddy's side of the family.  Even my aunt came in from Texas, and my uncle from Oklahoma.  So much fun!  Sunday afternoon was a get together with my mom's side.  More fabulousness.  I love my family.  True story.

As far as food goes...I'm on vacation! LOL  I really haven't been nearly as good as I was planning on being.  I can make excuses all I want.  But fact is, it is eating like this that made me fat in the first place.  Last week, I was staying with my aunt on her third floor.  So I was going up and down stairs a couple times a day.  I would make a point to at least jog up them when I could so I could pretend to be getting excercise, but I know that wasn't worth a whole lot.  This week I'm staying with Cat so I'm hoping there will be more workouts involved.  Turbo Jam FTW!

This past week has been all about family.  I brought my nephews down with me, so I was focusing on getting them to see who all they wanted and needed to see.  They went to their paternal grandmother's house this weekend to spend time with that side of their family.  That means this week is more about friends as well as any family I missed seeing last week.  Looking forward to spending time with everybody! 

I do, however, miss my hubby hardcore.  While I am having a wonderful time here, I don't like vacationing without him.  I just feel better when he's around!

On that note, I gotta go get ready to go to his favorite restaurant - Buffalo Wild Wings.  I promise to get the naked tenders so I can avoid the calories from all the breading!

Turbo Jam

Tonight, we all went over and had supper at Cat's house.  I made chicken alfredo (no noodles!) and zucchini.  Pretty stinking tasty if I do say so myself.  Had a fabulous time playing with the childrens and what not as well. 

After supper, after my nieces went to bed, we decided to work out.  Correction, Cat decided we were working out, and I himhawed around until she pretty well ordered me into the living room to participate. LOL  We started with Brazil Butt Lift abs or some sort of foolishness as that.  Yeah, I lasted two minutes.  Her back is still somewhat out too, so we switched to Turbo Jam.  Not gonna lie, it was pretty fun.  We did the 20 minute version, and I DEFINITELY feel like I got a workout!  I was kind of flailing around like a chicken with my head cut off though, because it was my first time and I had no idea what I was doing.  But definitely something I'd be interested in trying again.  Also, if y'all are interested in any of the Beach Body workouts (P90X, Power 90, Turbo Jam, Turbo Fire, Hip Hop Abs, Brazil Butt Lift, etc) Cat (see link above, or over to the right) is a Coach now!  She can get you set up! 

I did burpees for the first time tonight too!  I did like 6 of them!  They're horrifying to be perfectly honest. LOL  I hate them, but they work. I am absolutely feeling it tonight!  I also did almost 10 situps right in a row, without stopping.  This is kind of a big deal for me.  I have no ab muscles.  I have been told this by a physical therapist, even.  My knees have been screwed up my whole life, and this physical therapist told me it's because my weight has been resting on my knees.  Usually, people's core and lower abs help hold up some of their weight.  Since mine are so weak, it was going all straight to my knees.   When you weigh as much as me, that's kind of an issue.  So, doing 10 actual real sit ups - not crunches, real sit ups - is for real something I am very proud of!

In other news, I failed at diet today.  Went to a Waffle House type restaurant for breakfast, then at a healthyish dinner.  Worked out...then hit Sonic on the way home.  Yeah, I know. LOL But that chili cheeseburger was so totally worth every calorie.  Seriously. 

Tomorrow I have a date with my sister to see Breaking Dawn.  Second time around for me because I'm just that cool. LOL  Who knows, maybe I'll get in another round of Turbo Jam tomorrow, too! :)

Fit and Happy...on vacation

Yay for vacation!  Anyway.  In the airport in Alaska, we did go to McDonalds, so that was kind of a kick in the gut.  But once we got to Seattle, I did manage to avoid Wendy's when the boys went there for lunch.  When we got on the plane, I purchaced one of the fruit and cheese trays.  OMG it was surprisingly good!  I mean, who would have thought airplane food was good? LOL  It had a couple different wedges of cheddar cheese, another sharp cheese that I had no idea what it was, a wedge of brie, some crackers, a couple bunches of green and red grapes, and a few apple slices.  Really filling and relatively small calories.  So yummy! 

Once we got off the plane, we of course went to Olive Garden.  I did have 3 breadsticks, but I was able to keep the rest of my meal under control.  I got the Pasta E Fagoli soup (please forgive the butchering of the spelling) and cheese ravioli.  Better than the Tour of Italy and deep fried calamari I really wanted. LOL

Since we've been here, I've eaten out more than I have eaten out in the past year.  I've only been here three days!  But I've attempted to make smarter decisions for the most part.  I did splurge and have biscuits and gravy and country potatoes for breakfast on Monday, but I could only eat one of the biscuits, and not even half the potatoes.  I've attempted to stay away from deep fried things, and go more towards the lower calorie end of menus. 

I don't have a scale here.  I will end up borrowing my sister's when I go stay with her next week.  I'm a bit afraid of what I'm going to see.  Even though I am attempting to make better choices with eating out, it's still far less healthy than eating at home.  Tonight though, my niece and I cooked at my aunt''s house.  It was fabulous!  I was able to keep much better control over my food than I had been.  And tomorrow night we're going to Cat's house for supper.  She's the one who is eating healthier as well, so I know tomorrow night is going to be a good night, nutritionally. :) 

hey look, a 2 - for - 1 special!

That's right, you get TWO posts in ONE day!  And it's totally still today for another hour and 15 minutes, so it all works out.

So tonight was my Christmas party for work.  I got all gussied up in my fancy new dress, my sparkly shoes and my super fabulous earrings.  I felt pretty good about myself.  Then we got there.  Found out an old friend is 20 weeks pregnant.  Sigh.  It still hurts to see pregnant women.  Not that I'm not happy for them, but *I'm* supposed to be pregnant.  Then we sat down at our table, and one of our table mates' wife is an OB.  I seriously can't get away from pregnancy related stuff. 

We skipped out on the party after supper (which really was good, btw!) and went downstairs to where the Rage City Roller Girls were having a bout.  We got there right before half time, and wouldn't you know it?  Half time is all about kids.  ::headdesk::  (Rage City team Devils Club totally won though, so there's that.)

We went back up to the party, and the hubby starts asking me to dance.  I hate dancing.  I'm not good at it, I get all sweaty, and I look like a chicken having a seizure.  Not to mention the fact that I'm a fattie and I jiggle.  Wiggle is one thing.  Jiggle is another!  Finally, I give in.

I.  Had.  A.  Blast.

I haven't danced since 60 pounds ago.  It was so much...easier!  I could move my body!  It was nuts!  I didn't care about my arm jiggles because frankly, the skinny girls around me had the arm flaps rocking too.  It was just like being at the gym, only better b/c I was staring at my hunky hubby. LOL 

I'm really glad I let him talk me into it.  We may make a habit of this!  Ok, probably not, but I won't be so quick to turn him down next time!

Holy busy day Batman!

I had SO MUCH to do today!  But, I got it all done.  Woot!  Hit the gym early, got some blood drawn, got gifts for the kids down south, got 2 new pairs of jeans, got a new shirt, met with a friend of mine, and got home in plenty of time to finish packing, label Christmas cards and get ready for the Christmas party tonight.

I will say, while Fat Girl Sizing makes me feel better about life - hello size 20 jeans! - it's really dumb how different all the sizing is!  I tried on a pair of Levi's the other day.  Size 22.  I zipped them, but it was really, really too tight.  Couldn't breathe kind of too tight.  Today I bought a size 20 from a different store.  I also got a 22.  Those are tighter on me than the 20! 

I may be MIA for the next couple weeks.  Going on vacation to visit family, and I have plans about every single day that I'm gone.  With 6 nieces and 2 nephews around to play with, who has time for such things as the internet? LOL  I may try to get a post or two in, but I make no promises!

One month

One month ago today, I had a miscarriage.  It's weird to think it's only been a month.  It's been such a huge part of my life, and front and center in my mind that it seems like it's always been there. 

I still have bad days.  And when I do, I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm still having bad days.  I mean, come on!  It's been...oh wait.  It's only been a month.  I'm allowed to have bad days still.

Honestly, I really am mostly fine.  Most days, I'm back to "normal."  I'm apparently a lot stronger than I thought I was.  If you had asked me three months ago what my reaction would be if I ever miscarried, I would have told you I'd be a complete basket case and disappear into a black hole and never come out.  We want a baby so bad!  But that wasn't the case.  Sure, I toyed around with the black hole for a bit, but I didn't completely disappear. 

I have an amazing support system.  Between my family, friends and ladies on The Bump message boards, when I start to feeling blue, I can lean on any one of them, and they help me through it.

And my husband. I've been gushing about him recently, so you know how a bit about how hardcore awesome he is. He has been an absolute rock this month. He's there for me when I go all bat crap crazy, when I'm so sad all I can do is sit on the couch and stare into space, and when I start the upswing towards happy normal Ashley. And he never complains about my wonky emotional mood swings. He's just...win. LOL

Anyway, here's to taking it a month at a time.

Measurements!

Sooo, today is the first of the month.  That means measurements day!  Since September, I have been keeping track of my measurements.  It's been just an added bonus when the scale is being hateful. 

From November 1 - December 1, I lost a total of 5.25 inches! The biggest loss was from my hips - 1.25 inches there alone! Woot!

Now for my next favorite non-scale victory.  On June 9, my nephew and I went to see Trace Adkins in concert.  I was so excited because I had to wear my belt! And I wore it on the second hole!  This belt had only fit once before, and only on the first hole.  I had put on a lot of weight since the last time it fit.  I was about 20 pounds down from my starting weight at this point.  Well, that very same belt, I have to wear just about every day now.  I go back and forth from the 6th hole to the 7th.  I'm super proud of that!

In other news, when I get some time, I'm going to add a new tab up at the top for progress pictures.  Stay tuned!